We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
