Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
