i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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