I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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