Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
