it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
