i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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