it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize