One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
