I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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