He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
