3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
