Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize