when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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