The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
