Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
