I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
