Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
