god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
