You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
