Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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