my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
