Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
