Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
