Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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