the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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