This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize