The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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