That's when you crack a 10am beer
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
