You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
