You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
