I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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