Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
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