You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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