im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my sisters under your porch take her home
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
