I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
