I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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