i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
