The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
