Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
