at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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