I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
My bed is full of blood and feathers
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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