I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
