why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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