Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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