i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
