If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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