this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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