So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
