how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
