I look better un-naked...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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