Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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