Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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