I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize